The Sacraments Of Knitting: A Simple Tract

 Knitting is a religion—no joke. Like all religions, there are the spin-offs and cults.  We talk about the outside world not understanding the tempting call of yarn. We scoff at their ignorant assumptions, and laugh when an innocent passerby refers to ‘crochet’ project.

 However, there’s never been a tract for this religion. You can print this out and give it to your friends and your neighbors. You can put on your tie and go door to door to spread the gospel of knitting. Whatever you do with it, I’d love to know how it goes; I want to rack up convert points.

Knitting: A Simple Tract For The Curious

“Why Should I Knit?”

 There are various reasons to knit, but the best reason to knit is because you will enjoy it. Sure, you’ll have some difficulties, but knitting is one of the simplest religions out there. You don’t have to buy a loom, assemble thousands of quilt squares or surrender your soul to the  scrapbooking gods. All you have to do this make some loops with some sticks, and you’re instantly part of a growing community of other knitters.

“Isn’t Knitting For Grannies?”

 Of course knitting is for grannies-and it’s for grandfathers and teenagers and children and middle-aged women named Tina. Not only are there hundreds of teen knitters out there, even men are picking up the sticks at a remarkable pace. Knitting isn’t a weird reclusive cult based in a Texas compound, it’s a weird cult that is rapidly overtaking the entire world!

“Do I Have To Follow Certain Rules?”

 I’m going to be honest here. Yes, there are some rules to becoming a proper convert to knitting. People may say that it’s great to knit with chopsticks and twine but they’re secretly laughing at you. Get some proper knitting needles, preferably anything but metal (it’s too heavy and slippery for most beginners) and acrylic. Acrylic is cheap, and it’s a common bonding moment for knitters to remember their conversion experience with Red Heart or Caron Simply Soft.

“Are There Knitting Gods?”

 A hotly disputed topic among believers, many would answer in the affirmative. How else would you repeatedly lose that 5th double-pointed needle, or make the exact same mistake 14 times in a row? Others scoff at this childish belief and point out that if you weren’t trying to watch television, drink vodka and knit at the same time, you wouldn’t have so many problems. Either way, it’s tempting to believe in a knitting devil when your pet repeatedly attacks the best (and most expensive) yarn in your stash.

 “Is There Some Kind of Knitting Bible or Book?”

 There is no official Bible—a collection of sacred writings—but the most popular books hallowed by the community include any of Elizabeth Zimmermann’s writings (paticularly Knitting Without Tears) any of the Yarn Harlot’s books, and among the natural knitting crowd, The Sweater Workshop by Jaqueline Fee.

 “Are There Religious Leaders In Knitting?”

 Certainly, like most religions, there are people that hold a certain status within the community. The aforementioned Elizabeth Zimmermann (sadly deceased, may her soul rest in Peacefleece) the Yarn Harlot, Casey and Jess of Ravelry, Clara Parkes of KR, and that nice lady who dyes the Wollmeise yarn.

 Other community leaders include yarn shop owners, prominen designers and independent yarn dyers. Speaking of religious leaders, that brings me to my next topic.

 “Knitting Evangelists: Who Are They?”

 A knitting evangelist probably gave you this tract! Knitting evangelists are people who are so enthusiastic about their chosen religion that they want to spread the Good News everywhere. They will post amazingly helpful tutorials on their blogs on how to knit or even just how to execute a paticular technique.

 One evangelist actually sent me a free package of sock yarn because I mentioned that I didn’t have much to knit with! The added plus is that they almost never show up on your doorstep at 7 on Saturday morning, and even if you never join, they might present you with knitted gifts in hopes of persuading you to do so.

 “This Knitting Thing Sounds Like A Cult!”

 Well, if you count a loving, close-knit community who will initiate you into the wonderful world of Stash, WIPs, and FOs as a cult, then yes, we are a cult. The only reason that we make it so hard to leave this religion is because we really believe that knitting will not only improve your life, but it will make you a better person.

 “I’ve Already Tried Knitting And It Didn’t Work Out.”

 Obviously, you’ve had some traumatic experiences, but you’ve obviously never been a True Knitter if you’ve given it up. Or, maybe you’re an Apostate Knitter who has a few projects stuffed into the back of the closet. I’m here to say that we love you, we want you back, and we will do everything to help you overcome your fears. A little cashmere could go a long way in your reconversion.

 “OK, I’m Convinced, What Do I Do?”

 Put your hand over your heart (doesn’t matter which) and simply say, “I dedicate myself to the craft of knitting, and I promise to persevere even in the face of mocking unbelievers” and you are a full-fledged member.

 What, you say, I don’t even know how to knit to be a believer? Naw. Too much like a cult.

Advertisements

April 22, 2008. Tags: , . Snark Editorial.

20 Comments

  1. knittenkitten80 replied:

    Too funny, we should all keep one in our bags to pass out to others

  2. Jeri replied:

    wonderful post! If I could knock the glaze out of my friends’ eyes, maybe I could get them to read this! 🙂

  3. Michelle replied:

    I love it! I wish I could be as witty as you on a regular basis.

    I’ve already shared this with the 7.5 people that read my blog. Perhaps we’ll get some converts!

  4. Kaya replied:

    Lol! That’s amazingly funny. Lol.

  5. Jen replied:

    How did I become a knitting evangelist without even realizing it? 🙂 Quite clever and amusing…but, hey! Don’t knock the quilt blocks! If you want a fight on your hands, tackle the quilting religionists…

  6. Dava replied:

    Brilliant! I especially like the “they almost never show up at 7 a Saturday morning.” The “almost” nails it.

  7. kaessa replied:

    I love that! Great work. 🙂

  8. Melissa replied:

    This is great!

  9. My knitting has gone to the dogs… » Blog Archive » The Sacraments of Knitting replied:

    […] are thousands of denominations! I found this lovely post over at The Lumpy Knitter’s blog – The Sacraments of Knitting: A Simple Tract. Go take a look, I think you’ll enjoy it. It definitely made me […]

  10. Emily replied:

    You had me at “…and that nice lady who dyes the Wollmeise yarn.”

    HA!

  11. samantha replied:

    i second that we should all keep a couple copies in our bags.

  12. The Antichef replied:

    This is just fabulous. Thanks for the chuckles!! Will be linking it from my blog tomorrow… 🙂

  13. tumblyday.com » Blog Archive » Word replied:

    […] This is how I feel about knitting. […]

  14. Magatha replied:

    BTW, very entertaining.

  15. rabbidavidkominsky replied:

    Of course knitting is a religion. And of course we have our own religious texts: http://rabbidavidkominsky.wordpress.com/2008/03/21/knitting-and-purim/

  16. Oharu.se » Title? replied:

    […] Unpacking Day. That’s the plan at least. Anyway, I just wanted to show you these wonderful Sacraments of Knitting, and tell you that I finally bought the […]

  17. Deb replied:

    As a pastor I find this delightful and so true. I’m part of a still new (formed Jan 2 2008) knitting group that is filled with knitting evangelists. We’re making new converts weekly.
    http://justenoughtime.wordpress.com

  18. Fourth Journal Completed « Just Enough Time replied:

    […] note for knitters, check out “The Sacraments of Knitting”.  Make a couple copies and keep them in your knitting bags for new […]

  19. Kathleen replied:

    Get it right guys EZ IS a SAINT!!!!!!

    Saint EZ The patron Saint Of Knitters

  20. j4782 replied:

    *giggles* “Put your hand over your heart (doesn’t matter which)” isn’t grammatically clear. I thought, doesn’t matter which heart?! Doesn’t everyone have only 1?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback URI

%d bloggers like this: