Fun At Tolkien’s Expense

tolkien Now, I have all respect due to this venerable author. (Venerable means: old guy in the brown jacket)

 However, I have to admit, I giggled a little as I read through the latest pages. To bring you to speed, the hobbits have

  • left the Shire
  • been lost and attacked by trees
  • been rescued by Tom Bomadil, a crazy dude with horrible fashion sense
  • left his digs and were imprisoned by a Barrow Wight. By wight, I mean, evil and shadowy figure of primitive evil
  • FINALLY reached Bree.

 Now, the movie script reads something like this, “Blah, blah, blah, eerie voice over by Cate Blanchette, cute litle hobbit children in sunny Shire, goodhearted wizard hands out firecrackers, big party, Bilbo disappears, EVIL RING YOU MUST DESTROY, 4 hobbits run from scary black creatures, BOOM, they’re at Bree.”

 Well, now you know—that is a LIE. There’s a lot of crap that comes before Bree.

 But now, the giggling. The difference between Tolkien and other writers is that He Makes It Longer. (Ha, ha, very funny.)  You know what I mean if you’ve read his books!

 Ordinary Writer: The valiant fighters of FooFah felt awearied from their journey and stopped at a cheery inn that bustled with people, both fair and foul. Doosh Bag spotted a strange man in the corner, a man wearing a dark green cloak and a hood. He confronted the man and…

 Tolkien: The valiant fighters of Foofah, awearied from their struggles with the evil and mysterious riders from Fak-Land (although many denied that any still lived in that evil realm, a land of legend among the simple folk of the Foofahdom) and began to look for an inn.

 “I know of an Inn,” said Doosh Bag, “My father once spoke of a good inn that stood in the town of Briefs. Not that he ever stayed there himself, but his grandfather did and carved his initials into a great oak that stood by the the front door.”

 “I think I have heard of this place, too,” put in his companion, Sheesh Gimmeabreak, “But I’ve not heard that it’s a place for folk like us—why, who knows what strange people might be there?”

 “Why, there the inn is now!” cried out Doosh Bag, “And by my very life, there stands the great oak!”


18 pages later

 Doosh Bag approached the mysterious stranger…


 You know, despite my prejudice against Aragorn, I felt a positive glow when he showed up. Action, at last! And don’t look at me that way, you know what kind of action I mean!


May 7, 2008. Tags: , , . Tolkien Thursdays.


  1. jinniver replied:

    You have just captured why I can’t read Tolkein. I just can’t. I machine quilt, knit for children, and read books that get to the point for the same reason–I need results.

  2. Anna replied:

    And that’s probably one of the main reasons that I *do* read Tolkien. I suppose to each his own.

    That said, the adventures of Doosh Bag and Sheesh Gimmeabreak made me laugh.

    Also – that first scene where Aragorn meets Hobbits in Bree is one of my favorites (both in the book and in the movie). He just exudes awesome.

  3. SweetP replied:

    Yeah I don’t think I ever got past the bit where they *finally* get to Bree. And yeah nothing had actually happened yet. Maybe one day I’ll give it another go. Maybe

  4. Phoe replied:

    My husband likes the films and was complaining about how long everything took. And I was like, dude, you think that’s long?! Read the book! Very amusing.

  5. Cate replied:

    He does take his time getting there…. but he does get there eventually. Hehe…. if you think this is slow, wait until you get to The Two Towers and the Ents, now that’s slow! Despite all that, I love Tolkein. Oh, not sure if you’ve read it or not, but The Hobbit moves much faster.

  6. Mary Ellen replied:

    What’s with the Aragorn prejudice?!

  7. Knittah replied:

    This had me laughing out loud. Let’s read more adventures of Sheesh Gimmeabreak!

  8. samantha replied:

    you know, I should actually read once and while – i might laugh….this is hysterical!

  9. knittenkitten80 replied:

    i love the names! Perhaps a Pippin-like character named ….Dillweed?

  10. rainin9 replied:

    Haha! (mimes snipping action)

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